I Saw Red
by slick1969
Summary: AJ's thoughts after A Girl's Best Friend and Good Intentions.


**I Saw Red**

Summary:  A little peek inside the Admiral's head after the events of A Girl's Best Friend and Good Intentions.

Disclaimer:  I don't own the show, the characters, or the song.  Nor am I profiting from this in any way, shape or form.  I only wish I was.

Rating:  PG

Spoilers:  Good Intentions

**Admiral Chegwidden's House**

**McLean****, ****VA******

A.J. shut the front door.  As he walked into the kitchen, Dammit came running up to him, sniffing and licking his hands.

"Hey, girl," he said. "I missed you too."  She padded behind him and nosed at the door, as if she were looking for someone else. "No, Meredith's not coming.  She probably won't be coming by anymore."  

He opened the liquor cabinet and poured a glass of scotch.  He sat down in the living room, loosening his tie.  Dammit had followed him in there and sat in front of  him.  She cocked her head at him and whined.  "Not you, too."

As he sipped his drink, he thought about what had happened over the past few weeks.  He had started out the new year preparing for a wedding and a new life, and now everything had come crashing down on him.

"Oh hell, I'm getting as emotional as Rabb," he told himself, trying to get out of this mood. It didn't work.  Stray memories floated around in his head.  He remembered the first time they had met, when he had suspected Mac of setting him up.  

_Oo__ it must be magic_

_How inside your eyes I see my destiny_

_Every time we kiss_

_I feel you breathe your love so deep inside of me_

_And if the moon and stars should fall_

_They'd be easy to replace_

_I would lift you up to heaven_

_And you would take their place_

He thought back to the time she sang for him at the restaurant and winced.  But although she didn't have the ability, he had to admire her courage in doing something like that in public.

He remembered talking to her for hours, about Shakespeare, about the officers under his command, about her students.  They never seemed run out of things to talk about.  Until now.  She wanted to talk – Coates had faithfully reported every message she had left.  But he didn't know what to say to her.

_Then I saw red_

_When I opened up the door_

_I saw red_

_Heart just spilled onto the floor_

_And I didn't need to see his face_

_I saw yours_

_I saw red then I closed the door_

_I don't think I'm going to love you any more_

The sad thing was, he couldn't hate Meredith for it.  In spite of it all, a part of him still loved her.  She had an insight into his mind that was uncanny – no one else was as perceptive about his feelings as she was.

_Every day I wake up_

_I thank God that you are_

_Still a part of me_

_Opened up the door to which_

_So many people never find the key_

_And if the sun_

_Should ever fail to send its light_

_We will burn a thousand candles_

_And make everything all right_

She was the best thing to happen to him in a long time, which is what made the pain so keen.  She'd taken his heart and tore it into pieces.  He tossed back the rest of his drink and went back for another.  Alcohol certainly wasn't going to make anything better, but it would take away the pain for a little while.

_Then I saw red_

_When I opened up the door_

_I saw red_

_Heart just spilled onto the floor_

_And I didn't need to see his face_

_I saw yours_

_I saw red then I closed the door_

_I don't think I'm going to love you any more_

He tried to make sense of what she did – maybe he had neglected her in some way, not fulfilled some unknown need she had.  And the professor had come along and taken advantage of the situation.  He had been right not to trust his motives.  

_I've been hurt_

_And I've been blind_

_I'm not sure that I'll be fine_

_I never thought it would_

_End this way_

_Oo__ it's magic_

He knew before long, the word about what happened would get around JAG and then he'd have to deal with their sympathy, which, well-intentioned as it was, could be smothering.

Maybe someday, months from now, he'd be able to talk to Meredith rationally and calmly.  And maybe sometime in the distant future, he'd find the courage to give his heart to someone again.  But for now, he had Dammit and Glenlivet by his side and that was enough.

_Credits:  The song "I Saw Red" is by Warrant and appears on their album "Cherry Pie"._


End file.
